“I’ve Tried Everything, Nothing has worked,” Amy’s Story
*Confidentiality isn’t only an ethical requirement. It’s a key element in any safe, healthy and therapeutic relationship. For that reason, I will never share a client’s story without their written consent. **This story is intended to highlight the common themes, sentiments, and experiences of many of my clients and the healing process. It is not representative of any one specific individual. When Amy came to me for an initial assessment, the first thing she shared was that she had been in therapy several times and never found any lasting relief. The therapists were “fine” but it never really “clicked,” and “maybe, it just wasn’t a good fit.”
She expressed fear and frustration that “I’ve tried everything and nothing has worked.” “I’m not sure anyone can help me but I have to try.” I immediately got the sense that Amy wanted to give up but something inside of her knew giving up wasn’t an option.
As I got to know Amy she shared a familiar story. She came to therapy because she was deeply unhappy and felt uneasy most of the time. She had ongoing relationship issues and hated her corporate job. She made a good income and quitting didn’t feel like an option because she didn’t know what she wanted to do instead. She wanted more for herself and her future. A long-term, committed relationship with someone who desires a true partnership. She wanted a career that lights her up and involves creativity and helping others.
However, her fear that she is “beyond help” and the “real” problem is that she isn’t enough, kept her in a cycle of staying in her comfort zone – despite the fact that it wasn’t all that comfortable. She expressed worry that she doesn’t have the communication skills or ability to maintain a healthy romantic relationship and doesn’t have the drive to pursue a more aligned career.
Amy had been told throughout her life that she is “too much,” and was often left feeling as though she was “never enough.” Her deepest fear was that she would never be “chosen,” or feel “truly seen.”
After our first few sessions, it was clear that Amy felt alone in her struggles, unlike her friends who seemed to have an easier path in life, which only reinforced the fear that she was the problem.
But the reality was, Amy was just like the majority of my female clients. They shared the same fears, worries, and anxieties, and had similar hopes, desires and dreams for their future. (I often fantasized about introducing them to each other so that they too could see that they weren’t alone — Group therapy, anyone?)
In addition to their struggles, they had other similarities.
They were all highly sensitive individuals, attuned to other people’s emotions and needs, and often willing to sacrifice their own desires to help someone else.
They were insightful, self-reflective, intentional with their words and actions and always willing to be open with their internal dialogue and emotional responses – which was extremely helpful to me as their therapist.
They never hesitated to share their insecurities or ask the ‘difficult-to-say-out-loud’ questions. You know the ones. Like, “Am I wasting your time?” “What if I can’t be helped?” “Should I just go on medication?”
It’s a therapeutic paradox really. An “Amy's” biggest fear is that they are beyond help yet they truly are a therapist's dream client because of their openness, honesty and vulnerability. Three of the most important factors in any healthy relationship.
Using the ‘Whole-Self’ approach that I have developed over more than a decade of practice I gave Amy a map of the path forward. We identified Amy’s patterns and core wounds – “I am too much,” and “I am not enough.” Explored the origins of these wounds stemming back to early childhood experiences, and created corrective experiences to give Amy the outcome she needed yet never received as a child.
At this point, Amy began to feel an internal shift. She started to recognize the patterns in her relationships and life that no longer aligned with her sense of self or her desires for her future. She began to recognize the people and situations that kept her stuck in old ways of reacting. We strengthened her boundaries and communication skills to create the space for her to experiment with new ways of being without being pulled back into automatic reactions or external expectations.
This is when Amy really started to believe that change was possible although it wasn’t easy. She would come to therapy excited to share her successes and ready for the next step.
Inevitably, Amy experienced setbacks and wondered if she was “sliding backwards.” This is a common question clients have, in the middle of the therapeutic process which reignites the fear that they are the problem.
However, in Amy’s case, I was there to remind her that this is a normal and expected part of the healing process. We might feel like we’re sliding backwards when in reality we are being given the opportunity to confront an old pattern and respond in a new and more aligned way.
Amy put in the work, recognizing the pattern, reflecting on old thought processes, challenging unhelpful beliefs, and identifying new ways of responding to these triggers. I was just there to shine a light on each milestone on the map.
With a clear step-by-step path, Amy was able to see a light at the end of the tunnel, guiding her forward. She wasn’t sliding backwards at all.
In fact, she had already stepped into a new version of herself. A more true and authentic version. Which meant she was no longer triggered by the same experiences, she was able to step back and recognize her own patterns and the patterns of the people around her. Which also meant she was able to have empathy for them without self-sacrificing.
As a result, she had more time, energy and space to focus on herself. This allowed new insights to come in with ease, she began to visualize her true desires, and the best part, she had confidence that she would be able to bring these desires into her reality. She couldn’t control every external factor but she knew if she trusted the process she would eventually have the partner and career of her dreams.
And that’s exactly how it played out, by the end of our work together, Amy had left her corporate career to pursue a creative business, she relocated to a new city where she was able to express herself freely without feeling swayed by the expectations of others, she developed a new social support network, shifted her relationship with alcohol, shopping and other distractions, and experimented with new hobbies. Some she loved and some she was happy to have tried only once.
She dated to get to know people rather than for an immediate commitment. She was so fulfilled by her life that a relationship wasn’t something she felt like she needed but rather something she wanted and was willing to hold out for the person that was truly compatible with her values and her life. She no longer worried about how long it would take to find her partner because she had an inner knowing that she would, at the right time, without forcing it. And she eventually did!
Amy had by all accounts met her therapeutic goals. She had completed therapy! (Queue the confetti cannon!)
Yet, she continued to attend monthly “check-in” sessions for years afterwards. Why? Because this process taught her one of the most valuable insights I think I could share with any of my clients.
Life is full of duality. There is never a time in our lives where everything is perfect, no stress exists and we have no reason to self-reflect. Our challenges co-exist with our successes. Our traumas co-exist with our miracles.
The task then is not to eliminate all of our challenges, but to develop our understanding of ourselves, increase our support networks, and create spaces where we can express our thoughts, feelings, hopes and fears, freely while we find our next step forward. Therapy is just one of many ways we can do this. But for many of my clients, it becomes something they cherish and look forward to. A way to nurture themselves and their dreams.
And if I can be totally forthcoming, I look forward to it too!
I have always said the therapeutic relationship should be a life long relationship whether you’re actively attending therapy or taking time away to put into practice everything you’ve learned. Being a guide on Amy’s journey (and all of my client’s) is a role that I feel honoured to hold at every step in the process. From the first inquiry to the last “check-in.”
If Amy’s story resonates with you and you are ready for change but don’t know where to begin, book an initial assessment to see if I am the right fit for you as a therapist or learn more about therapy here. I look forward to hearing from you!
Warmly,
Dallis
